"Over and Over and Over and Over Again"

Three blogs in a day is crazy. But, honestly, I could not help myself to returning to this informative state. It may have something to do with the fact that I have homework up to my ears that I am slowly falling behind in. However, I believe that it is more like God. Not that God is telling me to procrastinate. No, that is not the case at all.
Something amazing happened (“over and over and over and over again”—I’ll explain this later) again tonight as I read through Craig S. Keener’s commentary on the New Testament. What I read is up for later blogs. What I got from it I am willing to share right now for no grade at all.
This requires no grade because it has nothing to do with the who/what/when/where/why/how/and “aha” of any book of the Bible. Instead it has everything to do with why I am here. “Here” is Colorado right now. In December “here” will be Idaho. I am sure by now that you want to know what in the world I am talking about. This is called “suspense” is it killing you yet? No, you say? This is “irritating” you say?
What I re-discovered when I was reading was how crazy I am. I am crazy in love! You see, I am a terrible person. The blogs I have posted in the past are also a call to myself to change. I am not perfect by any definition of the word. However, there is this God who somehow is able to look beyond that. How, I have no idea. But the important part is that he can and he does. God reached out to me. I had no desire to really follow Him when I got hurt by a body of believers. Yet, here I am. I am a Christian.
Long story short, I left Christian life for a while. I kicked God out because all of His followers were hurting me and I felt that it was only a matter of time before I got hurt by God Himself.
That act of leaving and returning opened a long season of doubt which continued through my high school years. I left my Sunday church in pain and wondered why God’s church looked nothing like He did. I told God that I would never return to a Sunday church and stay. No church would ever be allowed to get so close that they could hurt me again.
Instead of Sunday churches, I went to three different youth groups a week. I got hurt by all three. But I wasn’t there for them. I was there for God. I wanted to know Him like I knew my family. I wanted to believe without doubt that He cared about me. Somehow, I knew that I fit in as His friend.
Upon college, I was afraid because I did not want to go to Sunday church, but I was too old for youth groups. I found Chi Alpha Christian Fellowship and a campus pastor named Jason who frustrated me so much that I returned the next week. And the one after that. And again…suddenly, I loved it there. But I would not let any of those Chi Alphans get close.
During my sophomore year I tried a church out on Sundays. However after a couple weeks I began recognizing faces. That was bad. If I could name them and they could name me then they were too close. They could hurt me. I stopped going to the church. Nobody seemed to understand how much pain I was holding. I did get questioned about why I wasn’t going to church. I hated the way that people looked at me. You know that look? The one that says “Oh, she is one of those college students who grew up in the church and then leaves God by the time she graduates from college. She left God.” I learned Matthew 7:1 to counter people’s thoughts and glares. I am not judging you, stop judging me.
Last fall, God prepared my heart for a surgery that would heal pain. By the time December rolled around and I had finished my last final, I was drained. Everything had become so hard. School had gotten difficult and I had been working 20 hours a week on top of my full credit load. Also, I had been asked to join Chi Alpha’s leadership team. There was a lot going on each day. I couldn’t sing. I know that you do not know me, but when I say that I couldn’t sing, it is very serious.
I went to the International House of Prayer (IHOP—the place for spiritual pancakes…well, not pancakes, but you get a lot of God and Jesus). There I learned a lot. This is not the blog that will go into all of that. What I will go into is that I found myself in a place where I was ready for God to begin a deep surgery in my heart. God has me on this journey where I am constantly surrounded by Christian college students.
Today I was walking to class and I felt a small wave of pain. A thought had triggered the pain. The thought was about the people around me and how they are accepting me. I said “Ouch” and God seemed to say “I got a splinter out.” I then questioned, “What splinter? Where?” God was talking about a splinter in my heart. If you have ever experienced a splinter, it hurts to have it and it hurts when it gets pulled out. But after it is pulled out, you feel better. God is not done working on my heart in this healing, mostly because I have been pretty unwilling lately for Him to come close. It hurts. There is this song by Jason Gray. The song is called “The Cut.” The chorus goes “You peel back the bark/tear me apart/to get to the heart of what matters the most/I’m cold and I’m scared as your love lays me bare/but in the shaping of my soul/the cut makes me whole.” And in the second verse, he sings “but I see that you suffer too/in making me new/for the blade of love cuts both ways.”
How beautiful a God we serve!
So, tonight I was in awe (“over and over and over and over again”—explanation is coming up!). There is this Misty Edwards song (music is cool!) called “Simple Devotion” that is so amazing! It is about the speaker who constantly (“over and over and over and over again”) realizes the amazing-ness of God. My favorite part of the song goes “And then I hear You say/as You gaze over the balcony of heaven/I hear You say as You peer through the lattice of time/I hear You say as You stand in heave/I hear You say as You rejoice over me/‘Oh angels oh angels/look and see/through that dark night of faith she is gazing at me!/Oh angels, oh angels look and see/through that cloud of unknowing she’s gazing at me!/And you have ravished my heart/my sister my bride/with one glance of your eye’/over and over and over and over again….”
Last week was midterms and God gave me one that He did not tell me about. All I have to say now is “Praise God.” He still loves us when we blow it. I bombed his midterm last week. But he gave me a grade of grace and of love. I would have failed me if I were God. “Don’t you learn?” I would have said. God, instead, said “I’m sorry that you have been hurt again. Keep trying to love the students around you.”
Isn’t God amazing?

Edwards, Misty “Simple Devotion.” Eternity. By Misty Edwards 2003.

Gray, Jason “The Cut.” All the Lovely Losers. By Jason Gray 2005.